Can a Woman be Too Independent?

28 Jun

KO* recently told me that I was too independent (KO is one of my top three).   All I could think was, “Too independent?!  What kind of man wouldn’t want a woman what earns her own bread?”  I’m not a gold digger (but I don’t mess with any broke n—–).  The conversation somehow turned to him was always doing things for his other (female) friend.  He claims they are just friends and she has a boyfriend she’s currently in an on/off relationship with.  Now to his defense the girl does have a particular medical issue that strikes a lot of women.  When he initially described her to me I imagined she as an old woman. 

Not only is she NOT OLD is very pretty.  Whatever.

The point is he does a lot with this woman.  I mean things that even most guys in traditional relationships wouldn’t do.   Shopping.  Nail Salon.  Hair Salon.  Yellow flags should have gone off when he told me he likes hanging out with his mom at the Coach store (it was innocent enough… it was around Christmas).  Red flags should have gone off when he asked if he could watch me get dressed for an event I was going too.

I had complained to him that he wanted us to do more together, but we never end up doing anything.  With the other two members of my top three I ACTUALLY hang out with them … occasionally.  KO is the one I see and talk to the most, but the least I hang out with outside my apartment after 11PM.

After he told me he was going to come over after helping his friend, I again, became frustrated. You’re going to see me AFTER you see her?  I can’t exactly call it jealousy because it wasn’t that.  I was more upset that he could find time to help this chick out who (by my standards) has a man.  “You’re so independent.  You like to do everything yourself.” 


I just shrugged this comment off.  He was going over there to, yet again, help her with something.  I didn’t ask what.  I couldn’t have cared less.

Honestly it wasn’t the first time I have heard that I was too independent.  My dad used to say the same thing to me.  I have been like this all my life.  I only asked for help when I TRULLY needed it.  It wasn’t about being independent.  I never wanted to wear my welcome.  If I need things in life I want to know I tried every avenue to get on my own before asking anyone else for help.  My parents raised me this way.  Life is tough for a woman.  I like to able to say (for the most part) that I earned everything by myself.

At the same time women need to remember that we can still be like Beyonce’ and run this world, but at the same time you have to make a man feel needed.  I wish I had understood this concept a little earlier in life.

How can you still be independent and ask for help?

I’m currently working on a company project that I know KO can help me with.  Men like to feel useful.  So I sent him a text and told him I needed his help.  He QUICKLY called me back.  (That’s actually the first time he has ever called me after I sent a text.)  I told him in detail what I needed help with and he was more than happy to facilitate.  Even though it was a small project he got excited.

The moral to this story is that a woman can be independent, but still make a man feel useful.  We woman “can run the world”, but we still need a man.  Find a project or something that you know he will be interested in helping you with (even if you can do it on your own).  When he helps you, don’t talk… just listen.  Women can have a tendency talk too damn much.  Have him explain what works and what doesn’t.   Spending time with him and making him feel like a leader will help his ego.


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